I am still angry. I am not generally an angry person. To get me angry, things must go really wrong. In this case, it’s a feeling of helplessness and not being in control. When I don’t feel so great, I like to get back to my old Jane Austen collection book which I bought at a book stand a long time ago. Pride and Prejudice is my favourite. Lizzie and I are good friends by now I think.
The thing I love about Jane Austen’s books is that none of her characters are perfect. They are all flawed in one way or another. Take the 5 sisters in Pride and Prejudice. Jane is super nice, but also forgets to stand up for herself, Elizabeth is intelligent, she has her own opinion, but she is might jump to conclusions about rich, single dudes too fast. Then there are all the other sisters that either laugh too much, are pretty selfish or can’t stop talking. Either way, there not the perfect daughters-in-law.
I look like Lizzie. She is super angry with Darcy for breaking up her sister’s early relationship with the new rich neighbour and disinheriting Wickham, her new soldier friend. First she confronts him, but then she gets quiet. She doesn’t confide her story with her sister or anyone else. She hides her emotion inside. It keeps going round and round in her head.
That’s what I do right now. With all the questions. Without the answers. I tend to stop talking about it. Because talking doesn’t make me feel better. Don’t worry, it won’t last long. I’ll start working on some kind of new plan tomorrow and then I’ll be okay again. For now I just need to be with my own thoughts. Don’t ask me too questions. I’ll explain when I want to.
Maybe some day I will figure out why this all happened. Maybe that will include you or someone else. Maybe I’ll ask how it all began to discover the reason behind what happened. Maybe I’ll come to the same conclusion as Darcy. That is was all part of a bigger story leading up to a new adventure saying: “I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.”