Why not Ethiopia? It seemed so perfect and fitted so well in my schedule. Yet I’ve come to realise that really isn’t how life works. I still don’t know. But I’ve stopped asking the question ‘why’ and really moved on to the question ‘what now?’ It’s been about three weeks now. We would have been halfway our research, but instead I find myself sitting in a red velvet chair in my friend’s apartment. But that evening in that chair was worth it. Worth it coming back to the Netherlands six week early. My heart is without words.

I felt the strong need to come together with a few friends and pray. Coming from a more traditional protestant background, that isn’t really done often. Of course prayer is an essential part of each day, around meal times, at the beginning and end of the day, but just sitting together and pray. That’s sort of unfamiliar. I wonder why the protestant tradition seems to have lost that strong connection to prayer. Not that we all should become like the monks and nuns again that wake up at 5 am to pray every day, but it is so important to take time to be in God’s presence.

It’s better that our heart is without words than our words without heart. A simple reminder at the beginning of the evening turned out to be a healing message for me. How often do I not pray because I am used it to. Forgetting what it really means to let my heart listen. The words ‘listen’ and ‘silent’ have exactly the same letters, just mixed up. That is how our words might feel like too sometimes. Mixed up and confused. But getting the words out there in prayer with full and connected heart makes them strong and powerful. It helps a little bit in untangling my confused state of being. It connects me with my wonderful friends whom I would trust with my life.