Day 56 – I want to know

I want to know. I want to know what I am supposed to do next. Which path to choose. Which way to go. Which decision is the right one. I don’t know. I want to know. Call me impatient. Judge me for my willingness to be in control. Sometimes, or quite often, I just don’t understand myself. I am trying to make sense of what is going on in my mind and heart and I simply don’t know. I know that the path is out there, it just covered in mist.

I’ve been on crossroads in my life before. Choices about what to study or what to do with my summers in between college years. They never seemed so hard. I always had a certain preference, a gut feeling of which way I was meant to go. Of course, you can’t redo your life with a different choice, just to see if it makes a difference, but still. There always was this idea of knowing what my favourite option was. Now that feeling is not there. I simply don’t know. Do I want to go back to school? Take that job, do the internship? I feel that different options might lead me to different roads, different directions.

But is there such a thing as a right choice? One that is better for you than all the others. Or is it an all ways read to Rome type of situation? No matter what I choose now, I will end up where I am supposed to be after all. Earlier this week I wrote about purpose. Maybe what I will do today is write down all those options and look critically at each of them. To what extend do they match each of the categories? How do they add up and how do they support what I eventually want to do?

On the other hand I feel that I shouldn’t worry so much. Nothing is in control, as much as I would like to pretend that it is. Worrying about tomorrow is not going to make me more certain today. It’s not going to give me answers right away.

But all big things have small beginnings.

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