It’s cold and white outside. The sun just rose above the horizon. The white world blends into the golden morning sun. The world seems peaceful and still. Enduring the cold while resting in a phase of early winter. But although it seems quiet outside, inside me I don’t match that level of stillness. 

Sundays are days of rest, of meeting friends and family and most of all, a day in which I go to church. Because besides my body, my soul needs food too. But even though I acknowledge how much I need this, it’s hard to still all  those thoughts and apply the shared wisdom the next morning. Because I worry, I think to much, I want to know, I want to be in control. But I can’t.

No one can. 

That’s exactly the message I hear every week. No human being can be in control. No matter how much I might want to. The truth is that I would choose differently for myself compared to the situation I am actually in. I would give myself a break, sure, but not let me fly to another continent in order to return within a day. Clueless about what just happened and why. I would have a job now, maybe not a dream position just yet, but something with decent opportunities. I would live on my own, yet still see my family a lot too. I would settle somewhere now for a little while, save some money, meet a nice guy etc. 

Yet that’s not how life works. All those serendipity related quotes pop up in my head like: ‘life happens while you were busy making other plans’ or ‘be grateful for what you have, instead of wishing for what you don’t have’. All nice and stuff, but my mind isn’t always mindful, zen, instagram proof or perfectly at piece. That would be nice obviously, but that just isn’t the truth. 

The truth is that I am sitting in a train with a jacket that is too warm for inside. The truth is take it takes me more than two hours to get to an appointment. The truth is that I have no inspiration today to come up with brilliant solutions in the project I am working on.  The truth is that I really need a job. The truth is that I want to do something useful with my life. The truth is that I don’t see a point in all this waiting. The truth is that I am utterly confused about what is going on. The truth is that I can’t be in control. 

But it is also true that I am not alone in this process.