Is it useless? Is it wasting time? Just staring out of the window for a few minutes. Because the sky is so pretty or the sun is warm on your face. Just a moment of thinking about nothing. If I catch myself, my first thought is usually guilt rather than feeling relaxed. That makes me wonder to what extend I have internalized the pressure to be always active. To be useful and to make a difference. Because staring out of the window is just plainly useless, right?
I like reading about psychological problems. Okay, I don’t like reading that people have them, because I wish they wouldn’t exist. But since people do have them, also around me, I like knowing about them. Especially stories about people who have recovered or learned to live with their dysfunctional mind. It makes me wonder if I am susceptible for a burn-out or depression too.
Today I read an article from a young woman who seemed just like me. Perfect student, healthy lifestyle, hard-working parents. Okay, she already wrote and published her first book, whereas I haven’t done anything like that at all, but overall our lives aren’t so different. She had a burn-out. One day she didn’t know anymore how to walk. That scares me. Because I recognize some of the symptoms and above all, the way that she worked hard and put herself under pressure, is something I totally recognize.
I think I need to learn to be kinder towards myself. To stare out the window without feeling guilty, just because it is okay to let my senses do the work without having to process my thoughts consciously. I don’t need to be constantly useful. Because I don’t want to be the next girl who’s body is giving up. But working hard and always doing something is so inherent to my character, that I am sure I still have a long way to go.
Today I noticed it twice. That I stared out of the window without doing that consciously. Let’s make it three tomorrow.