Day 135 – Insecurity

This morning I woke up with a feeling of insecurity. It might just be hormones. If that’s it, than tomorrow will probably be better again. But somewhere it feels different today. It’s not just about that time of the month. So I looked up some articles about insecurity. Luckily, it is old as humanity. I find it hard to write about what it is that stirred in my heart this morning. But just a couple thoughts about how this feels.

Try to see the beauty

‘Vulnerability of spirit’,  I take deep breath. That was my favourite description. So this morning I woke up with a vulnerable spirit. That sounds a whole lot better than waking up with insecurity. Insecurity for me is some sort of anxiety in which I feel like I am having too much on my plate. The perfectionist in me wants me to do five things at the same time, but realist in my knows that it’s not going to happen. But rather than feel disappointed, I feel most vulnerable if I accept what is, rather than what I want it to be. But feeling vulnerable is beautiful, because then I allow myself to melt into new shapes and forms rather than sticking with the familiar.

Surround yourself with positivity and joy

Take that sunshine of today. Wonderful. I went to the store to get some new vitamins and although I got back forgetting to buy the vitamins, I at least came home with a lot of fresh vegetables and sunshine on my face. Overall, I would consider myself to be optimist. On days like today, when I don’t feel like an optimist, I have to consciously make an effort to see the positive and to feel joy. It starts small for me. Like a cup of fresh water when I am thirsty or that extra deep breath after ticking off another task of my to-do list. Eating well, sleeping well. It sounds trivial, but for me it makes all the difference. Talking to people about happy things. Laughing with roommates. Watching the relaxed poses of our cats. Stepping into a last bit of fresh snow. Tiny moments of joy help me to ground myself again when I am too much in my head.

Cherish memories

My mum asked me to send her some old photos I took of family events and holidays. Looking through those pictures already brought a smile to my face. Besides simply being in the here and now, looking back at good times, helps me enormously to remember that there can’t be too much reason to feel insecure and unsure. Because looking back at photos of different times in my life reminds me that even though it might not always have been easy, I somehow managed and complaining isn’t going to change anything about what already happened. So why would it help to complain about something that is still too happen?

So there you have it. I am not always feeling like I can handle everything that I have on my plate. I sometimes wake up with a strong sense of insecurity. I don’t generally know where it comes from or why I am so much in my head. But I do know what works for me to get over it. To bring a smile back to my face and to live with a grateful heart. That doesn’t mean that I don’t ever want to be insecure. Being vulnerable of spirit is scary, but I also believe it can be immensely fruitful as it might be a warning sign from your unconscious to take a second and stand still. Take a breath, notice the small things and only then move on with the next thing on your agenda. Having said all that, a poem from Mary Oliver comes up in my head. I don’t have I have shared it with you before, but it is absolutely one of my favourite poems ever. I still remember the first time I heard it. Sitting in a tree house near a lake. Feeling homesick. Feeling insecure. However, that poem marked the start of the best summer of my life.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

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