Last week was a week with mixed feelings. Besides spending lots of time at work, it was also a week with goodbyes. In general I like goodbyes to be a bit of celebration. Because I always hope it’s a ‘see you again’, if not here, then in heaven. Yet loss can also be very, very real and too definite. Especially when you haven’t had a chance to say goodbye properly.
I am struggling to find the right words. I remember righting a blog about a month ago when a girl from my high school passed away after a tragic accident. The idea that someone is your age is hard to grasp. When someone from my church community passed away unexpectedly, it also left a mark. He wasn’t very old either. Neither was my friend’s dad who passed away almost two years ago. Every time I visit, it still feels like he could just walk in.
Losing someone. I don’t think I will ever get used to it. I think no one will. Because death seems so incredibly definite. No matter how hard we try, we can’t make ourselves immortal. We can’t live forever as long as we walk on this earth.
To be honest with you, I don’t think I want to. I have never been really scared to die. I remember being in a car accident when I was much younger. I saw the two headlights of a speeding car come right at me. It’s a miracle our car wasn’t crashed completely. I still have the teddy bear that I got from the police somewhere. Even though I must have been close to dying if I think about it rationally, it isn’t a memory filled with fear and anxiety. What I clearly remember is that last moment of realising that the speeding car was going to hit us, exactly at my door and being okay with it.
Not being scared to die, doesn’t mean that I want to die. It just means that I am okay with however long or short my life here on earth will be. It’s because I believe with my whole heart that my life won’t really end. It’s because I am looking forward to a much more fulfilling and happy version of any life I could imagine here for myself. It’s because then I get to be with Jesus forever.
So when I say goodbye to people, I can be happy. I can raise my glass and say cheers to saying goodbye. I’ll even smile. Not a fake one with a crying heart from the inside, but a real, genuine smile filled with gratefulness for having you in my life. So if I get to say goodbye to you in the next couple weeks somewhere, remember that it is totally okay that it is a definite goodbye. I hope I will see you again in this life, but if that isn’t given to either of us, I hope to see you in the next. The everlasting one. Where we get to sing and dance and laugh together. And it will never stop.