Day 170 & 171 – What do you really want?

Read an entire book in one go. Go straight to bed.

As I add another three points on my to-do list, that’s what goes through my mind. All the other things that I want to do. But I don’t do all of the things I want to. Honestly I want to shut this computer down and not see it anymore for the next few days, or even weeks. But I can’t. Because there are all these little things that need to be finished. Minutes from a meeting, emails to answer, blogs to write, documents to read. Sometimes I wish we lived in a world that wasn’t always so incredibly online all the time. That everyone would be totally okay with pen and paper. That you wouldn’t be expected to reply within a day.

“Dreaming carries no risks. The dangerous thing is trying to transform your dreams into reality.”

Paulo Coelho

Dreams and expectations often seem to clash. I love dreams, but don’t know how to grasp them. I struggle with expectations, but often seem to be able to use them as a source of transformation.

Mainly the ones that I put on myself are interesting material to reflect on. I try to prioritize them. If things can wait, then fine. I don’t mind doing it tomorrow at all. But I know that giving up now isn’t an option. Because then I just stick with dreams. And I believe that just dreaming isn’t enough. I want to make things happen. I want to be the best prepared traveller I can be. I want to be finished with tasks left undone before starting something new. But I also want to read that entire book and go straight to bed afterwards.

Sometimes it’s about doing one thing. Like yesterday. I couldn’t care less about my blog. I went straight to bed, because that was the only thing I could do at the end of the day. But today I chose the other thing. It’s already past 10 pm and I still have some things to finish before the day ends. Earlier today I took a second to think about what it was that needed from this day. The answer was plain and simple: work hard and just get on with this immense to-do list. Get stuff organised. Call people. Make appointments and just make it work somehow.

But for some reason, that work added more to-do list items than I got rid of. At least that is how it feels like.

So now I am struggling again. Are these just based on expectations that others have of me or are they based on my own expectations? Are these to-do list items something I really want to do or want to finish before I leave to another country? The question basically is: what am I doing? Am I dreaming or am I doing the dangerous thing of transforming dreams into reality. I hope it’s the last one.

But tomorrow is another day to find that out.

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