Day 198 – Season of brokenness

Easter weekend is almost over. These past 4 days went by so fast. Beforehand I was really looking forward to having a couple days of rest. Days to let everything of the first weeks of Uganda life sink in. Yesterday I wrote an emotional blog post (in Dutch, sorry!) about that journey from my head to my heart. I’ve gotten so many loving and personal responses on that story, that I thought it might be good to finish this Easter weekend with a reflection on where I stand after these 4 days.

Now I look back at the past 4 days with gratitude. I went out, met new people, saw new places in this city, read new books and started new projects. But I also allowed myself to finally feel all the emotions of missing people, creating a new home on my own and dealing with confronting cultural differences.

I am in a season of brokenness. Because I realised that old ties with loved ones are changing in new directions. Because I realised that my job exists due to broken and unfair world. Because I realised that I need time to grow. And that growth starts with being broken down.

Brokenness is part of the cycle of nature. It goes hand in hand with starting over and writing a new chapter.

But I am convinced that it’s by allowing myself to feel, both the joy and motivation, as well as the hardship and brokenness of life, that I will become a richer person in the end. Even though that requires plenty of tears and time. Yesterday I mentioned that I found a book in a bookstore that really drew my attention. I just had to buy it. And I started reading it. With every sentence I feel that it is exactly the right book for this season of my life. So expect some quotes in the next few weeks of blogging from ‘The broken way’ by Ann Voskamp. In the first few pages, she asks herself how you can live with a broken heart. She points out that Jesus died of a broken heart. This message ties in exactly with the Good Friday and Easter thoughts that have been going through my mind. Of course, Easter is joyful and hopeful and fun and happy. But this year, I felt more of the heaviness of that broken heart.

One of my goals for these four days off, was to finally start my little gardening project. It’s one of my more personal learning objectives. Being able to grow my own food. Since I grew up as the daughter of a skilled farmer and a skilled florist, that shouldn’t be too much a difficult project, right?

But today as I was digging my fingers into the soil and planting my first vegetable seeds, I realised that it isn’t just about being able to sustain my own life. I realised that this again ties in perfectly with my season in life. These seeds will have to die first in that dark soil and then they will hopefully grow to be strong plants.

And then there is one more thought about why I am not afraid to face this season of brokenness. Because of Easter. Because even though Jesus died of a broken heart, He is risen. Because of an endless loving heart of the Father.

“Maybe the love gets in easier right where the heart’s broken open.”

Ann’s daughter in her book ‘The Broken Way’

I am in a season of brokenness. Because I realised that old ties are changing in new and challenging directions, so love can grow stronger than ever before. Because I realised that my job exists due to broken and unfair world, so that I can be a humble part of showing love to those that are most in need. Because I realised that in order to grow, that seeds first have to die in the dark soil, so that one day they will love the sun and shine in all their glory.

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