This blog has been in my draft folder for a while now. Waiting to be tackled and rewritten. Typical ‘millennial’ behaviour: afraid to commit and to make choices. Because that could lead to failure and we like to live a faultless Facebook world. As much as I don’t like being defined by labels, it makes sense somehow. Because I also struggle with making decisions.
Maybe you’ve been following my blog for a while or know me personally. Then you’ll probably wonder how I can say that I struggle with decisions if I just decided a couple months ago to move to Uganda and start a new chapter in life. Sure, I did that. Doing that. But in many ways, I realise now, it was also an opportunity to postpone some decisions to be made. Decisions that I can’t run away from. Neither do I want to run away from them.
So how do I get unstuck? How do I make the right decision?
I must admit that I’ve always been really good at putting pressure on myself. As much as I want to give myself time and space to come to well-founded decisions, it always feels too slow or too fast. To much worry or too much impulsiveness. When it comes to making decisions I always look back with appreciation and never really doubted that I made awful choices, but still… Somewhere in the back of my mind, I am terribly scared of doing the wrong thing or taking the wrong path.
I think millennials are extremely good in being super chill. Especially when it comes to others people’s lives. We always know how a friend should act in this or that situation. But for me? Confused, no clue and afraid to commit. Even though I rationally know all the right answers. About that the perfect life, the perfect future family, the perfect job doesn’t exist. As long as we walk this earth, (happy Earthday, btw!) there aren’t going to be outcomes of choices without consequences. Not all consequences will be peaceful and happy either.
Maybe the easy way out is to just finish my cup of tea, put this blog in my draft folder again and just post a picture of another famous animal from our little safari yesterday. But I realise that’s not going to make my anxiety go away. I want to be honest with you. Being a millennial, and recognising the traits of being one, and being a mzungu and being a woman isn’t the easiest combination at the moment. I know I am not the only one. I have friends that have no clue what they’re doing either. That just want to travel the world and not think about next year just yet.
But then there are the people that start to make choices. To settle down. To start a family. To go into a new career direction. And even though on the outside it might seem I also have a plan, I realised that I have really been running away from making choices. I have postponed my decision-making. But the questions are starting to stir deep inside. And I think that’s a start. Because it means I can’t run away anymore. So rather than a focus on perfection, I have a full year ahead of me in Uganda to focus on the process.
On the one hand, I find that terrifying. Especially the realisation that it could still go in all sorts of different directions. But also reassuring that I am ready to commit to making decisions and taking some steps. Because it’s about the process. Not about the perfect mzungu life of the millennial in Uganda.
And a process takes time. So I am going to challenge myself to look beyond this year. Like my little sunflower. Planted on Monday. Reaching out to the sun like crazy already. But knowing that growth takes time. And I can’t put a number on it just yet. Because I don’t know if I will live that day on this planet. It also might very well be there sooner than I realise. Dreaming big is nice, but without some concrete goals and vision, it’s not going to lead me anywhere. Better get prepared.
Forgive me the vagueness of this blog today. But I guess it does the best justice to the doubts in my heart. One thing I do know. No matter what decision I will make in the near and far future. It will always be a right one when it’s rooted in love, care and prayer. So after I finish my cup of tea and post this blog, that will be the next step. Some writing on paper, reading and praying.
Have a wonderful weekend!