Day 271 to 273 – Transcendental imperatives

I could tell you about busyness at work. I could tell you about how this morning was so cold and I didn’t want to get out of bed. I could tell you about the wonderful sunshine that appeared halfway through the day. About how I did laundry. About my walk to the market and how I just made a lot of food for a spontaneous BBQ tomorrow.

I have been writing in the past couple days, just didn’t find the time nor energy to actually sit down and put a blog online. Yet after a fun conversation with my Uber driver last night, I made a commitment to myself that I would pick up where I left my blog out to dry. The Uber guy told me I should write a book someday. It came out totally random. Little did he know that it is my biggest dream to write a book. And then he asked: “Do you see yourself living here for the long term?”

I didn’t give him an answer. I don’t really have an answer. I don’t know what will happen next week, let alone next year.

Somewhere deep down I want to make plans. I want to be rooted. Build lasting relationships and have a family. Yet it all seems so far away, such vague notions that I push aside as being in the far future.

Yesterday I wrote this:

Day 272 – 

Being hard on yourself. For me, that’s probably what I do all the time. Sometimes consciously. Usually just a habit. Just one more email. Want to get that formula in Excel just right. Call it perfectionism. Call it whatever you want.

I found out over time that people that I am friends with, family off, work with, all tend to have this same issue to some extent. Of course, not all in exactly the same way. But I found out that it is deeply human. I don’t think it’s just a thing that is European or western. I think it’s a thing that cuts across humanity. Wanting to be in control. Wanting to prove ourselves. Earn our status. Show that you are good enough.

It doesn’t always make life easier. I would probably argue that it makes life harder. So that’s a lesson I need to learn. How to be more kind to myself. To sometimes just let work be work. Go home and read that book.

In the end, it is about choices. About priorities. Go exercise or go sleep. Go make yourself some good food or order a pizza.

I didn’t finish all my thoughts, but I had to stop writing and leave the house for a birthday dinner, which actually turned to be a lovely evening. One of those memorable moments. Just as today. I was walking home from the market in the hot sun, when a guy came running past, sort of in a weird way trying to catch up with a car that just passed us. It was just really funny for no clear reason. But I start laughing. Just as a girl walking behind me started laughing. So we were both in the middle of the street, just laughing at the absurd, yet totally random situation. We walked together for a bit up the hill. She turned left, I continued. We wished each other a good day. Another wonderful encounter with a Ugandan, that was just really nice. Connecting for just a moment. I had a long conversation about it afterwards with a Ugandan woman, who told me: “You do one thing right. You simply love. When I met you, that’s what I felt. You and I were equal, I could feel your warmness. That’s the way in with a Ugandan. And once you are in, you’re in for good.”

Now I am sitting on my bed. My buttcheeks are hurting because I am teaching myself some new yoga balancing poses. I am not sure if I am doing them right, but anyways, it’s fun to practice. I have a bowl of veggies in front of me. I was cooking and planning to eat a good dinner, but then after all the cooking happened, I really wasn’t hungry anymore. I just realised I left some of my laundry outside. Fingers crossed it doesn’t rain tomorrow morning early. I also realised it’s been a long time since I had my period. I am totally off schedule, which is rare. It’s also rare for me to get really sick because of my period, so fingers crossed it won’t happen in the next weeks of travelling. I need all the energy for work. And in the meantime, it’s July already. Half of 2017 is over. Done. Finished.

A bunch of random thoughts and sections I wrote over the past couple days. That’s what this blog turned out to be. Confusing. I am feeling happy and content, yet also a bit tired and insecure about the next month. Apparently, a pineapple is some sort of symbol of weird randomness here in Uganda. I haven’t quite figured out how it works, but anyways, that’s why I thought it was a good idea to put a picture up of a pineapple close-up.

But all in all, these past few days have been good. I am learning. Growing. Reading. Writing. Processing. Taking a moment to stand still and listen to my body, my soul and my heart.

And while Saturday night party music is happening outside, I am curling up with my veggies and a book on the teachings of Saint Benedict. Learning about a theory on transcendental imperatives. In case you have no clue what that means: ‘transcendental’ refers to something that counts for everyone and everywhere. Let’s say universal. ‘Imperatives’ because we always have to work on these:

Be attentive. Be intelligent. Be reasonable. Be responsible. Be in love.

More on these transcendental imperatives in the next week. Because I feel that these words might teach me a lot about what I need to learn in dealing with a slight perfectionism and a large workload. I am going to try really hard to make writing in July happen every day. Last 100 days. Home stretch. Better make them count. And all of them, simply making an effort to be me. Like today. Even if that’s just a totally random summary of my day and my thoughts.

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