One of those days again. I start writing. Scribble down thoughts. First in my journal. Sometimes in the app on my phone. Usually in a draft blog online. But I don’t get to finish it. I am either too tired. The internet is too slow, or I simply just don’t actually know what to say and how to make sense of my words. So by now it’s day 335. My lungs still hurt. I slept long this morning, which isn’t really common for me, but sometimes really needed. I rested. Even though I really don’t like the feeling of being unproductive, I really need it these days. With lots of changes that make me tired, physically and emotionally I just need time to let everything sink in and just see where I stand in it all. Here are some of the scattered thoughts that I collected yesterday and today.

“When I met my girlfriend, soon-to-be wife, we both immediately connected over this idea of the training farm, the company that we both wanted to start. If it weren’t for her, it would probably still be an idea, a dream. Not reality. I’ve realized that I would have never been able to do this on my own.” Words spoken by one of the guests in the podcast I am listening too while it rains heavily and freely translated by me. I want to agree with those words. I believe in the power of relationship. No doubt about it that people, be it lovers, friends, brothers, sisters, neighbours can create and inspire change and impact in lives. I also need people around me to really get me to go beyond what I imagined on my own. Yet for me, as an introvert, many of my creative ideas and big thoughts and reflections always come when I am alone.

This was a podcast about social entrepreneurship, millennials and how to get people to really do what they want to do and are good at with some new sort of behavioural psychology training. I find those topics fascinating. And the podcast series is good. In the conversation with conscious business founders, as they are called by the creators of this podcast, the topic around passion comes up. How do you really become who you want to be? How do you manage stress and become emotionally flexible? The host mentions that the word for passion and suffering is the same in Latin. I never really realised that. Even though I have always loved those classical pieces around Easter. The Mattheus Passion or the Passion of the Christ. It makes a lot of sense that these are related words. Being who you want to be, doing what you love, being in relationship, starting that company you’ve always dreamed of. It all comes at a cost too. With passion, there’s always some suffering involved too.

It reminded me of a conversation I had the night before. A friend of mine who I used to work with when I was still really involved with European politics and with whom I spent many hours in the car driving across Europe, talked about getting married soon. About the long distance part of his relationship in the past year and not wanting to do it again. He is passionate about his girlfriend. He wants to make the relationship work. And I have so much respect for that. He said something along the lines of attachment. Especially detachment. He said: “When she left, we detached from each other. You have to because you live your own lives in different countries. When you are back together you have to attach again. She might want to go abroad again. I saw ‘fine, but this time I am coming with you.’ I don’t want to detach from her again.”

It all really got me thinking. It’s been on my mind all week. Wanting to go home for a little bit and yet also wanting to be here and stay here. Because I am passionate about what I get to do. I am learning so much in my job, I have wonderful colleagues whom I value more and more every day and I get to make an impact, even though it’s only small. And yet, it’s a Saturday evening. My body is tired. My mind is tired. I had a glass of wine with my dinner (first time in months that I bought wine, which was a really nice with some frittata and garlic bread from the oven). Alone. And I am totally fine with that. I don’t really miss having someone around, I needed the rest more than I thought I would. While at the same time I know that being around people makes me push myself to go after my passion and to work hard. Don’t get me wrong. I am very happy on my own, but I need people, I need attachment and I want all of it too.

My thoughts are confusing today. I don’t really know where I am going with this blog. I just know that I am where I am. A Saturday by myself in early September 2017. And that with all the big dreams and goals that I have for my life, this is all I have to be for today. That rest, being on my own, with the occasional glass of wine, is so incredibly needed. Call me old, call me boring, call me an introvert. I’m getting myself another glass of wine and I am going to enjoy my quiet, peaceful Saturday evening on the couch. Alone.

p.s. Friend mentioned above told me that I have to stop with my blog on my 25th birthday. He says I then have to start writing that book I’ve always dreamed of. So who knows what’s next…